This isn't my normal type of blog, but felt compelled to write while listening to a podcast on NPR about how hard it is to
make friends after the age of 30. This is the age that kind of designates a
change in lifestyle that isn’t conducive to making good friends – you don’t
have the automatic friend connection like in college, you get busy with work,
or you are married and have children and those become the priorities. A lot of
the stuff in this article really hit close to home with me.
I have a very hard time making friends! Granted, this hasn’t
happened in the eight and a half months since I’ve turned 30; I’ve never been
very good at making friends. I meet people I like, and would be interested in
being friends with, but don’t have the nerve to initiate taking it past
acquaintanceship. Luckily I’ve had a few occasions when those people have taken
the initiative – maybe that’s why such a high proportion of my friends are so
outgoing!
One point this article made is that at this age, the couple
date plays a part in this. I think this is a problem for me and Peter. We have
neighbors who we got to know when we first moved into our neighborhood and hung
out with a few times. Peter and the husband clicked, but I never did with the
wife, so we didn’t hang out with them too much. When this couple separated,
Peter and the husband hung out quite frequently; they went bowling or had poker
nights every other week, etc. Then the couple got back together and the
“bromance” has faded. Peter has gone over to their house a couple of times if
they are having other friends over, but no one-on-ones. Of course, we still
asked them to water our plants when we went on vacation, and we are planning on having them over for dinner
to thank them.
I can also use this couple as an example of how children can
make it harder to form new friendships. They do not have any children – yet.
They are currently pregnant with their first child, due in August. Before they
separated they would invite us over when they had parties, or even just a
couple times for dinner and game night. We only had Nate at the time, so I did
drag him over there once or twice just to eat dinner before heading back home,
but when their (adults only) parties start at 8 o’clock (bedtime) I can’t warrant
taking him over there. Usually Peter goes alone. Maybe once they have their
baby they will start organizing stuff that works with a child’s schedule, but I
guess that would only matter if I liked the wife!
Of course, people also say that having kids can make finding
friends easier. I have not found this to be the case. I have a list of excuses!
I don’t have the interaction with other parents on the way in and out of
daycare. There also aren’t a lot of children’s activities going on during the
weekend in my area, most of them happen during the week, so I can’t meet other
moms at “Mommy and Me” time. The one time I have gone to the park and actually
had a conversation with a parent with a child (actually children) close in age
to mine that I thought I would get along with… Well, that relationship lasted
as long as that visit to the park. I’m thinking of talking to my church about
trying to set up a group for parents of young children, but that hasn’t
happened yet.
So, what does that leave me with? Work! That would be great,
I’m with these people all day, we can talk about our kids, gripe about our
husbands, talk about other random stuff… Of course, when the majority of the
people you work with are your mother’s age this doesn’t lead to a lot of great
friendships. There are a couple of ladies that have young kids, but it’s not
just about the kids – it’s really about the moms. I have hung out with one of
them outside of work once. In March! We also have plans for a Girls’ Night this
Friday. Wow, once every 4 months! Three times a year! Amazing!
So, yeah, it’s hard making friends when you’re working and
married with children at 30. Life gets in the way and those friends, or people
who could be friends, get pushed to the side whenever something else comes up.
It may not be such a big deal if you don’t talk to the friend you’ve had since
your Freshman year in high school for a few weeks, but when that happens with
someone you are just trying to become
friends with, it becomes a non-starter friendship. In the past few years,
ironically more since having children, I have realized how much I really need friends.
It’s not that I want to get away from my family all of the time, I love them! I
love singing “If You’re Happy and You Know It” with Nate, watching him and Mia
make each other laugh over nothing, and watching Peter give Nate his special “upside-down
hug”. Sometimes I just need a little me time, some girl time, some
non-working-hour adult time. But, when your closest friend is 10 hours away,
with a family of her own, it can make this time more than a little hard to come
by. So, I am going to work hard at making friendships a priority, and not get
so worked up about the possibility of being rejected by that mom in the park.
Who knows, maybe she’s in the same boat as I am.
