Can I Call You Back in 5 Years?

This isn't my normal type of blog, but felt compelled to write while listening to a podcast on NPR about how hard it is to make friends after the age of 30. This is the age that kind of designates a change in lifestyle that isn’t conducive to making good friends – you don’t have the automatic friend connection like in college, you get busy with work, or you are married and have children and those become the priorities. A lot of the stuff in this article really hit close to home with me.

I have a very hard time making friends! Granted, this hasn’t happened in the eight and a half months since I’ve turned 30; I’ve never been very good at making friends. I meet people I like, and would be interested in being friends with, but don’t have the nerve to initiate taking it past acquaintanceship. Luckily I’ve had a few occasions when those people have taken the initiative – maybe that’s why such a high proportion of my friends are so outgoing!

One point this article made is that at this age, the couple date plays a part in this. I think this is a problem for me and Peter. We have neighbors who we got to know when we first moved into our neighborhood and hung out with a few times. Peter and the husband clicked, but I never did with the wife, so we didn’t hang out with them too much. When this couple separated, Peter and the husband hung out quite frequently; they went bowling or had poker nights every other week, etc. Then the couple got back together and the “bromance” has faded. Peter has gone over to their house a couple of times if they are having other friends over, but no one-on-ones. Of course, we still asked them to water our plants when we went on vacation, and we are planning on having them over for dinner to thank them.

I can also use this couple as an example of how children can make it harder to form new friendships. They do not have any children – yet. They are currently pregnant with their first child, due in August. Before they separated they would invite us over when they had parties, or even just a couple times for dinner and game night. We only had Nate at the time, so I did drag him over there once or twice just to eat dinner before heading back home, but when their (adults only) parties start at 8 o’clock (bedtime) I can’t warrant taking him over there. Usually Peter goes alone. Maybe once they have their baby they will start organizing stuff that works with a child’s schedule, but I guess that would only matter if I liked the wife!

Of course, people also say that having kids can make finding friends easier. I have not found this to be the case. I have a list of excuses! I don’t have the interaction with other parents on the way in and out of daycare. There also aren’t a lot of children’s activities going on during the weekend in my area, most of them happen during the week, so I can’t meet other moms at “Mommy and Me” time. The one time I have gone to the park and actually had a conversation with a parent with a child (actually children) close in age to mine that I thought I would get along with… Well, that relationship lasted as long as that visit to the park. I’m thinking of talking to my church about trying to set up a group for parents of young children, but that hasn’t happened yet.

So, what does that leave me with? Work! That would be great, I’m with these people all day, we can talk about our kids, gripe about our husbands, talk about other random stuff… Of course, when the majority of the people you work with are your mother’s age this doesn’t lead to a lot of great friendships. There are a couple of ladies that have young kids, but it’s not just about the kids – it’s really about the moms. I have hung out with one of them outside of work once. In March! We also have plans for a Girls’ Night this Friday. Wow, once every 4 months! Three times a year! Amazing!

So, yeah, it’s hard making friends when you’re working and married with children at 30. Life gets in the way and those friends, or people who could be friends, get pushed to the side whenever something else comes up. It may not be such a big deal if you don’t talk to the friend you’ve had since your Freshman year in high school for a few weeks, but when that happens with someone you are just trying to become friends with, it becomes a non-starter friendship. In the past few years, ironically more since having children, I have realized how much I really need friends. It’s not that I want to get away from my family all of the time, I love them! I love singing “If You’re Happy and You Know It” with Nate, watching him and Mia make each other laugh over nothing, and watching Peter give Nate his special “upside-down hug”. Sometimes I just need a little me time, some girl time, some non-working-hour adult time. But, when your closest friend is 10 hours away, with a family of her own, it can make this time more than a little hard to come by. So, I am going to work hard at making friendships a priority, and not get so worked up about the possibility of being rejected by that mom in the park. Who knows, maybe she’s in the same boat as I am.